Pardon me while I talk to my friend, Catherine. I have to do it here because she does not allow comments on her blog, and there's something I really, really want to say to her.
Dear Catherine,
Please go talk to someone in real life. Please. Can you get a medical leave of absence from the school? If not, I beg you to call in sick and stop overloading yourself with stress.
You have to do something now. You cannot put it off anymore, and you cannot wait to feel better.
I care about you and your family, and want you to feel better. Please focus on the little one - your daughter is living with a ghost. You owe it to her to take care of yourself. The way she is living now will remain with her the rest of her life, I promise you that. You're a good mother, please don't do that to her.
Email me please, I would be happy to talk with you any time you want someone to talk to.
Nothing but love,
Connie
Monday, November 16, 2009
My Friend, Catherine
Friday, November 13, 2009
Juvenile Bipolar Research Foundation Newsflash
Newsflash #1
Research Progress: A New Approach
This is the first of a three-part series created to familiarize you with some exciting and hopeful information regarding our research on juvenile bipolar disorder.
In order to get to the end of any journey, you must travel in the correct direction. In terms of understanding juvenile bipolar disorder, the JBRF Research Consortium has taken some impressive steps down the right path.
The prevailing view of psychiatric illness has been that each mental disorder is unique and separate from all other mental disorders. As such, each behavioral symptom belongs solely to one or another of the identified illnesses. This is referred to as a categorical approach because each symptom is assigned to a discreet category. Practically speaking, all the diagnostic, clinical and research work of the last 30 years has used the categorical approach as its foundation. It is important to note that this foundation derives from ideas, not facts, and that the diagnostic categories it created were never intended to be permanent.
Psychiatric diagnoses do not have the benefit of biological evidence like medical diagnoses do. This is not surprising given the fact that our extraordinary brains and all-powerful DNA have, until recently, been pretty much beyond our reach to explore. Lacking biological evidence, ideas were the next best thing.
While the most passionate and well informed people were involved in the development of this approach, times have changed and knowledge has advanced. However, this underlying view has not. Fortunately, geneticists and neuroscientists have started to question the merit of the categorical approach to diagnosis. In fact, some investigators have reached the conclusion that this underlying framework may prove to be a principal obstacle that has led to stagnation of the research in the quest to untangle complex mental illnesses such as bipolar disorder.
“Big deal” you might say. It doesn’t really matter what you call it or how you define it; what really matters is dealing with the individual’s symptoms as they present. But it is a big deal; because the individual will never get relief until we can truly understand the problem. In today’s cutting edge scientific practices, where microscopically small differences and enormously complicated mechanisms are in play, to start from a correct foundation matters.
The perspective that has emerged is that we need to study mental illnesses from the view that there is an inevitable overlap of symptoms between psychiatric conditions as they are now defined. What may distinguish one condition from the other is how those clusters of overlapping symptoms come together. This is called the dimensional approach to defining psychiatric disorders. Once this “new”, more diverse profile of symptoms is established, the next step in the research process is to refine the profile in order to be able to link it to a specific biological source.
This dimensional approach is what the investigators of the JBRF Research Consortium have adopted. Proceeding down this path, researchers have arrived at a novel description of juvenile bipolar disorder that describes more directly and accurately the symptoms these children actually experience. This new perspective has quickly led to a model of the underlying biology that may help to explain this illness at a more fundamental level. It has opened up new research priorities and treatment opportunities. This view has led to the identification of a potential biomarker (measurable biological indicator) of the illness. Its accuracy makes the chances for meaningful genetic studies much more likely.
If you want to jump ahead and learn more about the work we are accomplishing, there is a link at the end of this piece to a summary where you can read more about it. In the second part of this series, we will describe this profile in more detail and in the third part we will tell you what we are trying to do with this information. We have no answers that will turn your life around today. But we are confident that we are on the right path to provide those answers tomorrow.
NewsFlash #2
Characteristics of Juvenile Bipolar Disorder: A New Phenotype
This is the second of a three-part series to inform you about JBRF sponsored research on juvenile bipolar disorder. We hope you will be encouraged by our progress and inspired to believe that the end of this journey is attainable. Please click HERE to refer to the first News Flash.
What do the following have in common?
* suffers horrendous nightmares
* antagonizes siblings
* excessively craves sweets and carbohydrates
* wets the bed
* sleeps hot
* takes excessive risks
* hoards food
* has many ideas at once
* interrupts or intrudes on others
* experiences periods of self-doubt and poor self-esteem
* deflects blame
Independently, each of these traits is a symptom of a myriad of different psychiatric disorders. Considered together, they are all symptoms of Pediatric Bipolar Disorder (PBD).
But wait a minute! Isn’t bipolar disorder all about mania and depression? How can these unrelated symptoms be part of that same profile?
This more complete list of symptoms is reflective of the research progress JBRF has made by adopting the dimensional approach of defining psychiatric disorders: symptoms overlap between psychiatric conditions and one condition is differentiated from the other by how those clusters of overlapping symptoms come together.
Proceeding down this path, researchers have arrived at a novel perspective of the illness. While traits like mania and depression remain important, this analysis finds that they are not the central behavioral dimensions of PBD. Other dimensions such as aggression, anxiety, sensory sensitivity, sleep/wake disturbance, attention/executive function deficit, and oppositional behavior also figure prominently. Of paramount interest is a dimension that establishes a link between obsessive fears and aggressive behavior. JBRF investigators have termed this correlation “Fear-of-Harm” (FOH). This new characterization of PBD has been labeled the “Core phenotype”.
The Core phenotype is a more complete and accurate description of what these children experience than what is offered by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders (DSM). Investigators suggest that in the DSM, bits and pieces of this single disorder have been parceled out into numerous other diagnoses. It is likely that this fragmented perspective of the disorder has obscured a clear view of its actual presentation in children and stalled efforts to get at the underlying biology.
Concentrated exploration of the FOH trait has lead investigators to define a clinically homogeneous subgroup of children who are the most severely impacted by this disorder. This subgroup is called the “FOH phenotype”. These children are characterized by extreme anxiety and the hyper-perception of threat which causes them to respond in a defensively retaliatory manner. They are often hospitalized and face great challenges socially and academically.
Not only have JBRF investigators been able to describe the symptom profile of the FOH phenotype, but under this new paradigm, they have also pieced together the likely underlying biology involved in the disorder. Certain brain areas, activities and development that had not previously been considered became obvious foci for their attention. The specific neural pathway that ties these activities together in a manner consistent with the profile has been identified. Investigation of this complex system is ongoing. The more the details fall into place, the greater its explanatory value grows.
The definition of the FOH phenotype moves us further in our quest to uncover the genetic variations associated with PBD. The high heritability of the FOH trait, refinement of the dimensionally derived symptoms that associate with it, and the fact that the CBQ can identify with 96% accuracy children whose profiles fit the phenotype make us optimistic that we are on the right path for a meaningful genetic analysis.
JBRF is actively collecting DNA from children whose CBQ scores indicate that they fit the FOH Phenotype.
This novel understanding of the dimensions of bipolar disorder in childhood puts us on much firmer footing as we move towards the identification of biological markers. The identification of new biological markers opens the door for new treatments.
Source.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Good News, Brad News
Excellent interview with Brad from ArjanWrites.com
SUPERFRAICHE: Arjan chats with Brad Walsh from Arjan Writes on Vimeo.
Source
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Change It Up
Because I am listed on some mental health blogger networks (and due to other ulterior motives), I've decided to make a new blog where I will do my fangirling. Of course I will continue to include Brad here, but instead of making posts with music news about Brad and Adam, I'll just give you a link to the other blog. Deal?
The pain meds are now starting to help my mother out a bit. She's feeling better - good enough to post a couple of snotty blog comments & emails. My out of town sisters are coming in to hang out with us next week. Looking forward to snarky good times.
Rob has broken up again with his girlfriend. After weeks of quiet around here, Rob's friends are now lurking about the house again. No permanent houseguests, just more frequent visitors. His last job debacle seems to have demoralized him to the point where he's not ready yet to try again. However, he is in good spirits and he doesn't seem to be depressed over the end of the relationship with his girlfriend.
In other words - All is Well.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Pain, Pain GTFO and Don't Come Back
Fuck. Sorry.
I don't know how to start.
Mom just received her very own supply of methadone and morphine last night. What started out as a feeling of a pulled muscle in her back last Wednesday has turned into pain all over that won't allow her to lie down. I hope she's sleeping now.
I'm going to continue to pretend that everything's fine.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Mental Illness - Stigma of Silence
Mental Illness: The Stigma of Silence
Mental illness and I are no strangers.
From Alex Forrest in Fatal Attraction to Blanche Dubois in A Streetcar Named Desire to Norma Desmond in Andrew Lloyd Weber's Sunset Boulevard, I've had the challenge -- and the privilege -- of playing characters who have deep psychological wounds. Some people think that Alex is a borderline personality. I think Blanche suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder and everyone knows that Norma is delusional.
I also have the challenge of confronting the far less entertaining reality of mental illness in my own family. As I've written and spoken about before, my sister suffers from a bipolar disorder and my nephew from schizoaffective disorder. There has, in fact, been a lot of depression and alcoholism in my family and, traditionally, no one ever spoke about it. It just wasn't done. The stigma is toxic. And, like millions of others who live with mental illness in their families, I've seen what they endure: the struggle of just getting through the day, and the hurt caused every time someone casually describes someone as "crazy," "nuts," or "psycho".
Even as the medicine and therapy for mental health disorders have made remarkable progress, the ancient social stigma of psychological illness remains largely intact. Families are loath to talk about it and, in movies and the media, stereotypes about the mentally ill still reign.
Whether it is Norman Bates in Psycho, Jack Torrance in The Shining, or Kathy Bates' portrayal of Annie Wilkes in Misery, scriptwriters invariably tell us that the mentally ill are dangerous threats who must be contained, if not destroyed. It makes for thrilling entertainment.
There are some notable exceptions, of course -- Dustin Hoffman in Rainman, or Russell Crowe's portrayal of John Nash in A Beautiful Mind. But more often than not, the movie or TV version of someone suffering from a mental disorder is a sociopath who must be stopped.
Alex Forrest is considered by most people to be evil incarnate. People still come up to me saying how much she terrified them. Yet in my research into her behavior, I only ended up empathizing with her. She was a human being in great psychological pain who definitely needed meds. I consulted with several psychiatrists to better understand the "whys" of what she did and learned that she was far more dangerous to herself than to others.
The original ending of Fatal Attraction actually had Alex commit suicide. But that didn't "test" well. Alex had terrified the audiences and they wanted her punished for it. A tortured and self-destructive Alex was too upsetting. She had to be blown away.
So, we went back and shot the now famous bathroom scene. A knife was put into Alex's hand, making her a dangerous psychopath. When the wife shot her in self-defense, the audience was given catharsis through bloodshed -- Alex's blood. And everyone felt safe again.
The ending worked. It was thrilling and the movie was a big hit. But it sent a misleading message about the reality of mental illness.
It is an odd paradox that a society, which can now speak openly and unabashedly about topics that were once unspeakable, still remains largely silent when it comes to mental illness. This month, for example, NFL players are rumbling onto the field in pink cleats and sweatbands to raise awareness about breast cancer. On December 1st, World AIDS Day will engage political and health care leaders from every part of the globe. Illnesses that were once discussed only in hushed tones are now part of healthy conversation and activism.
Yet when it comes to bipolar disorder, post-traumatic stress, schizophrenia or depression, an uncharacteristic coyness takes over. We often say nothing. The mentally ill frighten and embarrass us. And so we marginalize the people who most need our acceptance.
What mental health needs is more sunlight, more candor, more unashamed conversation about illnesses that affect not only individuals, but their families as well. Our society ought to understand that many people with mental illness, given the right treatment, can be full participants in our society. Anyone who doubts it ought to listen to Kay Redfield Jamison, a psychiatry professor at Johns Hopkins, vividly describe her own battles with bipolar disorder.
Over the last year, I have worked with some visionary groups to start BringChange2Mind.org, an organization that strives to inspire people to start talking openly about mental illness, to break through the silence and fear. We have the support of every major, American mental health organization and numerous others.
I have no illusions that BringChange2Mind.org is a cure for mental illness. Yet I am sure it will help us along the road to understanding and constructive dialogue. It will help deconstruct and eliminate stigma.
The World Health Organization (WHO) estimates that by the year 2020 mental illness will be the second leading cause of death and disability. Every society will have to confront the issue. The question is, will we face it with open honesty or silence?
Read more at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/glenn-close/mental-illness-the-stigma_b_328591.html
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Brad Walsh - Dance this Tranny Mess Around
Brad Walsh - Boy/Girl featuring CariDee English
From Human Nature, available Tuesday October 20th - yay!
Adam Lambert Time for Miracles
Time for Miracles now released on I-Tunes U.S. and Canada!! GO GO GO GO GO GO
Some lucky people in Italy and the Netherlands were able to download Adam Lambert's "Time for Miracles" from I-tunes in the wee hours yesterday. It's all over the internet, but still not for sale here in the U.S. I'm hopeful that many of the fans who already have the song will go buy it when it does become available here.
Anyway, here it is - streaming so it can't be downloaded. If you like it, keep checking I-tunes and Amazon for purchase.
I think it's an awesome soundtrack song - cheesy yes, but the man sings the hell out of it. Adam has repeatedly said this song does not represent the album he is working on. He has said his album would hearken back to the rock of the 70s and 80s, with with a modern, pop overlay. Sounds exciting to me.
Would love to hear your thoughts, please comment.
ETA: Total rumor at this point, but Lady Gaga may be recording something with Adam Lambert right now.
From twitterer @ruthanne353: so inspired by my friend jeff, just dropped into his session with lady gaga & adam lambert, sounds amazin!
Ruthanne is Ruth-Anne Cunningham, songwriter, who has previously worked with Jeff Bhasker, who coincidentally is currently working on Lady Gaga's Fame Tour.
Adam confirms the rumor via twitter:
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Haven't Got Time for the Pain
I didn't have to get dressed this morning because I fell asleep fully dressed. Rob is fighting a sore throat and we took a drive up to the hospital last night. When I say "fighting" I'm not overstating it. Rob lapses into Monster Mode when he is in pain. Nothing terrible happened, but I was really nervous about taking him into an exam room where all hell would break loose if his pain couldn't be assuaged immediately, yet without any needles poking him. His intense fear of needles scares the crap out of me. I know he would have to be strapped or held down by burly aides if presented with an injection of any sort.
Rob has no insurance as he is not working and is too old to be covered by mine. We debated back and forth in the hospital parking lot about whether or not he felt he was in a life threatening situation - before we left the house I was convinced his throat was closing up. When the ibuprofen he took (too late) finally began to work, he felt a little better and did not want to owe anyone anything to make him well. His anger over the whole money = healthcare situation, added to his pain rage - well, let's just say it wasn't pretty.
When he wakes up today, I think we'll head over to the Urgent Care facility instead.
On the other hand, we had fun yesterday morning before he started to feel really ill. Joking and laughing - he was in rare form and had me in stitches.
ETA: Punch, puke, punch, raaaaaaaage. Rob's in the shower, we're off to the Urgent Care as soon as he's done.
ETA2: Doc says it's strep throat, prescribed antiobiotics. (BTW, antibiotics are FREE at Giant Eagle.) Rob is having alot of trouble staying asleep, but he is feeling a bit better.
Sunday, October 04, 2009
Growing Up
Very interesting article here that refers to the following study:
In a nutshell, this gives me hope that Bipolar Disorder is not necessarily a lifelong condition, and that it's possible that Rob can "grow out of it".
via @FarThingPenny
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Repost - Memorial Day
Can one ever be truly prepared for the death of a treasured family pet?
Every pagan family needs the obligatory black cat. When Rob was two and Brad was nine, we passed a "free kittens" sign on our way home from visiting my ex-inlaws. I believe I spotted the sign first, and made the quick decision to turn around and pull up that driveway. I wish my memory was better with the details, but I do remember that when we picked the all black kitten from the litter, I told Brad that he could name him. He decided on Eliot, in honor of TS Eliot.
Eliot was the pitiful consolation prize for my boys, to make up for the fact that I had broken up our family and we were now off on our own. No dogs allowed at the apartment complex we lived in. Eliot used to be pretty wild, he would usually be off on his own but would sometimes come around for a rub. When he decided he'd had enough rubbin', he'd bite your hand and run off. Sometimes, if you passed Eliot in the hall, he'd jump out at you, bite your ankle, and run away.
Ah, we loved Eliot in spite of his misanthropy.
Around the beginning of May, I noticed that Eliot had stopped eating. Each day I would give him his food and hang around to see if he had decided to eat again. Nope. This went on for about two weeks. He became thinner and thinner, and had started hiding under my bed. I've lost a cat before, so I knew the hiding did not bode well. I began to allow him to sleep in my bed, and I would rub him and whisper sweet nothings into his ear until I fell asleep. I had "the talk" with Rob and Brad. Rob was crushed when I told him I did not think Eliot would last through the day, and that he should come up to my room and say goodbye to him while he had the chance. Brad understood that Eliot's time was about up, it's been sixteen years since we picked him up at that farm. Brad so very thoughtfully (as usual) ordered a headstone for Eliot, with the engraving "Eliot - The first love of our new life".
Eliot made it through that day I broke the news to the boys. I told Rob, "Well, Eliot is still alive so why don't you come on up and say goodbye to him again". Same thing the next day. This went on for two weeks. When I would rub Eliot at night I would feel nothing but bones under his fur. He weighed less than he had when he was a kitten. Eliot had been quite a large kitty, the vet once told me "this cat could use a few less groceries". It was really sad to see him this way. Ah, Eliot.
About two weeks ago, I brought Eliot's morning meal up to my room. I thought I would try once again to coax him to eat something. Unfreakingbelievable, he ate it! He ate the next meal I gave him as well! And the next! It was a miraculous recovery! He's been eating every day since, and is no longer hiding out in my room!
When I told Brad that Eliot was eating again, he said "I knew that cat would live as soon as I bought that headstone".
Yesterday the headstone arrived. I had forgotten about it. As soon as I felt how heavy the box was, I realized what it was. I carefully placed it in the garden on Eliot's final resting place. Whenever he decides to die. I sent the above picture to Brad and told him it was a good thing he did not put a date on it, as it would be a shame to have to kill Eliot on December 31st if he was still alive and kicking. Brad said, "Put that gravestone away! He's not dead yet!"
I said, "It makes me laugh, though".
So, the answer to the question "can one ever be truly prepared for the death of a treasured pet?" is "absolutely".
Original Post - June 3rd, 2008
Well, our Eliot died yesterday. He fooled me more than once, every time I thought his death was imminent, he perked up as if to say "Psych". He also psyched me out by eating his breakfast even though he couldn't move anything but his head. What a tough guy.
I'll miss him.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Week in Review
My week in review:
1. Rob dumped his girlfriend on Tuesday.
2. Rob quit his job on Wednesday.
3. Rob hooked up again w/girlfriend today.
4. I received a Keurig coffeemaker from my dearest Brad on Tuesday. Awesomesauce!
5. Speaking of Brad Walsh, did I mention that Brad has posted a sampler of his new tracks over at www.BradWalsh.com/music? Are you hoping I will stop mentioning Brad at every turn? Um, I do what I want! You're not the boss of me!
6. Received the following birthday greeting from one of my sisters:
Hey old fart. Dan said last time he saw you, you didn't look a day over 60. I didn't have the heart to tell him that you are only 48yrs old. OMG!!!!! Wasn't it just last year we were 10 and 12 years old and fighting all the time???? Were did all this time go? Anyway, wish I was with you today to celebrate. I will have a drink in you honor later and Dan said he will toast you. Not sure if he meant drink a toast to you or actually set you on fire. Later tater and have a great day!!!!
7. Embarrassed myself by tweeting at Adam Lambert more than once.
8. Hung out with my mother more than she would have liked. She is Ms. Popularity lately as she has decided to meet with the hospice folks again to sign up for a little home health care. Mainly so she can get drugs without having to leave the house and sit in doctors' waiting rooms. She is feeling good, no worries. She would like to sleep once in a while and eat a little more, though. So she's putting up with home invasions temporarily - hopefully they will quit sending the army very soon and just send out the scout.
That is all.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Brad Walsh Rocks my Face Off
New album on the way from Brad... expected to be available on October 20th.
While we're waiting, here's another track to listen to.
I've heard every track now, and I'm just so impressed. Brad has included some very danceable pop as well as atmospheric tracks (think Depeche Mode mixed w/Pet Shop Boys) with some guest stars who complement his style.
Track Listing:
Go listen to snippets of the new tracks at BradWalsh.com DO IT
Friday, September 18, 2009
Origins
When Rob was an itty, bitty toddler, out of the blue he started waking up with nightmares. He kept crying about "The Spindleshay" (I think that is the correct spelling, lol.) Trying to get to the bottom of it, Brad and I quizzed him and learned that Mr. Orlando, one of his teachers at daycare, had told the kids a story and the only thing Rob got from it was 'scary spindleshay'. The only thing I could figure was that the story may have been about Rumpelstiltskin, which I believe makes mention of spinning hay into gold. Or, Mr. Orlando just made up a bunch of crap. Who knows?
Brad and I got a lot of mileage out of The Spindleshay. We envisioned scenarios where we would use it as our name and force people to say it. Like, signing in at the neighborhood Best Cuts with the name and laughing when the creeped out stylist had to say it out loud. Things of that nature...
A couple of weeks ago, I suggested to Brad that the driver who was scheduled to pick us up at LaGuardia be told the name was The Spindleshay. Because the car company is the same that he and Christian always use, I guess he couldn't bring himself to do it. But I had a giggle fit over imagining the poor red-faced driver standing in the baggage claim area with a handwritten sign, "The Spindleshay".
In reality, Brad and I are not as bold as our imaginations. I make do with using TheSpindleshay as my twitter name, and snickering when Brad has to explain to a twitter friend that TheSpindleshay is his mother.
I'm simple that way.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Back to Life, Back to Reality
Two hours into his work day yesterday, Rob called me while in meltdown mode. He was freaking out because they had him working two machines, with no packaging boxes, no shipping labels, and a non-functional grinder. This meant he was taking parts out of the molder, manually breaking off the flashing and throwing it on the floor, and piling up parts. He can't leave the machines while they're operating, so he was asking passing floor supervisors for help, which still hadn't come by his first break. Sounded like the Lucy & Ethel in the chocolate factory episode, only not funny. Also, there is no A/C in the plant, so he's been sweating his ass off every day and constantly drinking water to stave off dehydration. Not a great situation.
He left me with the words that if he didn't have boxes and labels when he went back in after his break, he would quit. Since he didn't call me again, I am assuming he worked it out or was finally rescued.
This is the sort of stress that Rob is not equipped to deal with. He was asking my permission to quit his job, all I could do was to offer some suggestions to rectify the problem. I said I couldn't make that decision for him, only he knows what he can deal with, and what is a deal breaker for him.
I'm trying to prepare myself for the inevitable drama when Rob wakes up today.
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